Theory of Mind (noun): The ability to recognize and understand that other people have their own separate mental states — including thoughts, beliefs, feelings, intentions, desires, and perspectives — that may differ from one’s own. It involves inferring what others are thinking or feeling based on their behaviour, and using that understanding to explain or predict their actions.
I first heard the phrase “Theory of Mind” about twenty-five years ago while spending time with a young man with very little curiosity about what other people were thinking. Someone explained it to me like this: “Ben will talk for an hour about big cats unless you literally tell him to stop.” And it was true. Ben was completely unaware of the uncomfortable body language, the polite hints, or even the signals from the people around him. Ben did not really have Theory of Mind. You could walk away mid-sentence and he would keep talking. You could start singing and he wouldn’t miss a beat.
The same person explained to me that if you directly said, “Ben, let’s stop talking about big cats,” he would change the subject. That was good to know. I also really appreciate that if you give some people clear feedback, they respond well.
What I learned from that was more about myself than about Ben. I became curious about how I read the signals given by the people around me. I wondered what I could do to be clearer on my side, too. Ultimately, what I’ve figured out is that the best way to develop better Theory of Mind is to mix clarity, curiosity, and pauses between speaking.
Because the person who clears her throat, sighs, rolls her eyes, or gives vague social signals and then gets frustrated when someone else doesn’t read their mind is also showing poor Theory of Mind. We make the same error assuming other people experience the world the same way we do and should just know.
Yet it’s usually the Ben’s of the world who get labelled for poor Theory of Mind, while the rest of us often don’t notice our own version of it.
Good Theory of Mind is something most of us can develop. Asking for and giving clear information is something we can all improve at. And when in doubt, read the room for what is not being said and when that’s unclear, simply ask.
It is in being curious about what other people are thinking that our theories become knowledge and we interact with them better.
Footnote: “Ben” and his love of big cats is a composite of many people I’ve known, I didn’t want to single anyone out. Also, if you want to talk with me about big cats, go ahead.