Balanced Communication vs. Endless Verbal To-Do Lists
Today I’m advocating for balanced communication with ourselves and others. Getting beyond the “To-Do” list if you will. When we engage in a balanced way, all our day’s words charted out might look a bit like this pie chart. Such a balance makes room for what keeps us alive (“Buy fruit”) and what keeps us human: “Your garden has the best tomatoes” or, simply, “I never noticed that [flower, kind gesture, etc.] before.”
The Slices of The Pie
To Do: The stuff that we need to do or have done for us. I will gladly spend 17% of my day talking about school field trips, oil changes, meal planning, and who is taking my son to the birthday party. I don’t, however, want to treat the people around me like they are only worth the tasks they complete. Nor do I want to be treated that way.
Love You: 6% seems low, but there are lots of ways to say “I love you” so the other bits of the pie can fill in the rest.
Woo-hoo: What builds you up and gets you and those around you going? Knitting? Ballet? Foosball? Learning how to spell “foosball”? What ever it is, share it. Ditto for your friends, colleagues and family members. Let their woo-hoos be your woo-hoos (the healthy interests, anyhow). For the first time in her life, my wife has become a sports fan. I wouldn’t have gotten into table tennis on my own, but she loves it so I love it with her. (Which is easy to do, since we root for the Chinese players, and they usually win. “Sun Yingsha, jia you!”)
What’s New: What have you noticed in the world around you? About yourself? Every day is a new one. What’s new?
I’m Blue: Let’s give sadness 5% on average, with room to add more space as needed. Somedays, and we’ve all had them, will be more like 90% and there’s room to share deep, sad feelings in our communications with the people around us. Most days, however, let’s make a point of reflecting a lot of the joys we and others experience as well as the sorrows.
Such Fools: This is the critical, sour slice of the pie. All lemon and no meringue. I’d like to say that I never have a critical word to say about anything, but, well, so long as I have a driver’s license; pay taxes; and love soccer/football, I might still have and express a negative opinion or two. I aim to give “Such Fools” 5% of my communication output. Lofty goal? Absolutely. Still worth trying for.
Memories: Our own memories, our shared memories, and those of others. The more we relive our experiences with the right people, the fuller our lives are. (And the more we understand and remember.) I had a conversation with my grandfather the other day that was mostly about memories. Memories of grandma, of his siblings, even his memories of meeting my wife twenty years ago. I doubt I’ll have a more important conversation this week than that one – and I have important conversations for a living.
Dreams: Here I mean both the things that happen when we sleep, and also hopes and aspirations. Spend some time dreaming out loud with a caring friend or family member, and see how that brightens your view of your future. (I’m currently dreaming of getting my back-stroke much smoother and of a trip to Vancouver Island next summer. I’m dreaming of my wife coming home from China. How about you? What are you dreaming of?)
Beware of the Un-Communication
Remember when NuBurger first opened in Winnipeg, but their original name was “UnBurger”? Boy was that confusing, because they were still selling hamburgers, not “un-burgers” (what is an unburger? A hotdog? A veggie burger? Sushi?). So they changed their name to reflect the value they see in their food. Nu rather than Un. Very smart of them.
We can think of the pie chart above as the Nuburger version of communication. A little better, a little healthier, a lot clearer. Besides, life is a lot more fun when we are adding to something rather than simply taking away something. Trying to hit home runs leads to more joy than trying not to strike out.
The chart below represents way too much of that “Un” approach to communication. It’s un-balanced, un-fun, un-colourful, un-pie. So, I’ll ask (and be honest with yourself): Has your Communication-Pie looked a little more like this today:
If so, I get it. It makes sense. We all have our grey days. Our liver pie days. It’s just encouraging to know that apple pie and chicken pot pie can be baked, too. It’s those missing pieces, the memories, the dreams, the Woo-hoos – along with getting stuff done – that make life worth living.
That’s Nice Lindsey, but how?
The quick answer is: a) answer more questions from the heart, and b) ask more questions from the heart.
As I mentioned above, I added a lot to my “Memories” slice yesterday by calling my 93 year old grandfather. That call gave us a good time to reminisce and also added to both my “I love you” and all of the other feelings parts of my Communication Pie.
So here’s the question we can ask ourselves when things are a little blah or a smidgeon blue: Who might add a little “What’s new”, “I love you” or “Woo-hoo” to my Communication-Pie today? Who might I reminisce with and add to the Memory slice?
In short: Whose world might I join to make both of our worlds a little bigger, a little fuller, a little more human today?
Whose world might I join to make both of our worlds a little bigger, a little fuller, a little more human today?
New not “News”
So far as “What’s New” I try to avoid the “If it bleeds, it leads” type headlines that people seem to be gravitate too and then be overwhelmed by. When talking with my friends, my neighbours, my cousin out in Beauséjour Manitoba, with anyone I care for, I generally try to see if I can’t lean a little more into the “What’s New” – get beyond the news and the weather and the sports scores. Sometimes there’s not much that comes of it, sometimes I learn great things, the little human things. Conversation is the best place (besides writing) to think and share all the things that we never seem to think about in the hustle-bustle!
It seems like we only learn about the important – or fun – stuff if we’re genuinely curious and listen well. And it seems like we only truly realize how meaningful our lives are when we can roam around in our experiences, hopes, memories, and dreams with others. I assure you, the laundry will still get done and the bills will still be paid, even if you take time out of every day to add slices to your Communication-Pie.