Balanced Communication vs. Endless Verbal To-Do Lists
Let’s aim for balanced communication with ourselves and others — getting beyond the endless “Did you send the form?” “Can you pick up milk?” “Where are the keys?” version of relating. If we charted all our day’s words, a more balanced pie might look like this one. A mix that makes room for what keeps us alive (“Buy fruit”) and what keeps us human (“Your garden has the best tomatoes,” “I never noticed that tiny kindness before,” etc.).
The Slices of the Pie
Info (20%)
What’s happening? What changed? What did you notice? The world is constantly constantly shifting, and so are we. Sharing observations — small or big — is how we stay tethered to each other’s lives.
To-Do (20%)
The logistics of life. I’ll gladly spend 20% of my talking time on school field trips, oil changes, hockey schedules, dental forms, meal planning… but I don’t want to treat people as if their only worth is the tasks they complete. And I don’t want to be treated that way either.
Feelings (10%)
The emotional buffet: joy, frustration, sadness, delight. Let’s give sadness ~10% on an average day, with room to expand when life expands it for us. Some days will be 90% emotion, and that’s fine. Most days, we try to include a full range.
Connection (10%)
Little gestures that strengthen belonging. This is the “Love You” slice, but in the broader sense. It’s warmth, reassurance, shared humanity: the micro-moments that say, “You matter to me.”
Small Talk (10%)
The underrated glue of human life. People dismiss it, but it’s the WD-40 of communication. “Cold out, eh?” “Love that mug.” Without this slice, conversations rust shut.
Influence (10%)
Not manipulation — just the normal act of nudging each other. Recommending books, suggesting we try a restaurant, debating soccer tactics, proposing a better solution. Influence is inevitable; the trick is using it sparingly and kindly.
Clarifying (5%)
Talking about the talking. “What I meant was…” “Hang on…” “Can we rewind?” This tiny slice prevents huge misunderstandings.
Play (5%)
Your “Woo-hoo.” Whatever lights you up — knitting, table tennis, foosball, ballet. Sharing what delights you is a public service. Let other people’s joys spark yours too.
Thinking (5%)
Curiosity, discovery, ideas. This is the slice where your brain wakes up and goes, “Huh. Never thought of that.” It’s where new ideas and gentle epiphanies live.
Intimacy (5%)
Any kind of closeness. Letting yourself be known. Asking real questions. Sharing something honest or quietly hopeful. This is the part that makes relationships feel real rather than merely functional.
Beware of the Un-Communication
Remember when NuBurger opened as “UnBurger”? Confusing name — because they were still selling burgers. They corrected it to reflect what they add, not what they subtract.
The balanced pie above is the Nu-burger: nourishing, flavourful, something you want again.
The unbalanced version — the one many of us live in on our grey days — looks like a sad, grey Un-Pie: mostly To-Do, very little You, almost no Play, no Thinking, no Connection. It’s communication, technically, but it’s un-colourful, un-human, un-fun.
If your day’s communication looks like that sometimes? Of course it does. We all have liver-pie days. What matters is knowing that fruit pies and chicken pot pies exist too — the ones filled with memories, dreams, play, connection, curiosity, and yes, all the things that still need doing.
Okay Lindsey, But How?
Here’s the short answer: a) answer more questions from the heart, and b) ask more questions from the heart.
Yesterday, I added a lot to my Small Talk + Info + Connection + Feelings slices by calling my 93-year-old grandfather. We reminisced, we laughed, he told stories I hadn’t heard in years. That one call fed half the pie.
Who might add a little balance to my life today? Who might think or play out loud with me? Who could help me shift from complaining about the weather into something more meaningful — something that nudges me out of my To-Do rut?
And who might want the same from me? Who’s maybe in need of some balanced human communication — a friend, a kid, a partner, an elderly grandparent? Who might need a little more Play, Connection, or “What’s New?” in their day?
Balanced communication isn’t about being wise; it’s just noticing when your whole day has turned into chores with talking. One honest question, one laugh, one moment of actually showing up — that’s enough. Do a few of those and suddenly the day feels less like running errands and more like being a real person with real people.
Conversation is where we discover what we never seem to notice when we’re rushing around.
And the truth is: The laundry will still get done. The bills will still get paid. Life won’t collapse if you spend more time making your Communication-Pie whole.
Wrapping Up
Balanced communication isn’t about transforming yourself into some enlightened guru; it’s mostly noticing when your day has turned into a walking clipboard and giving it a little shake. One genuine question, one shared laugh, one moment where you talk like a human instead of AI — that’s enough to start turning things around. These small course corrections add up. Before long, the whole day feels a little less like you’re managing a shipping department and a little more like you’re actually alive and in conversation with people you like.