People used write out their shopping list, fold it up, and put it in their pocket. Then when they got to the supermarket, they took out their list and got their items. The Back Pocket of Knowledge, Night Time Edition is like that, only the “list” is of stuff you like, the “back pocket” is your brain, and the “supermarket” is that funhouse-of-worry you wander around in when you shut off the light.
Are You Running Brain Laps?
Is your head heavy with worry when it hits the pillow? Do you replay the awkward conversations of your day? Even worse, do you replay the same conversation over and over again, getting angrier or sadder, creating more distance than was there in the real conversation? Do you wake up to go to the washroom at two-thirty-five and find yourself worrying about how you will get Susan to ballet and Martha to Girl Scouts and still find time to visit your aunt Virginia in the hospital?
Do you spend hours every night worrying about your boss, friends, or family at the expense of your sanity?
If so, I relate because I would have worried well into the night well into my thirties. And sometimes I still do find myself worrying past my bedtime. To be honest, I’m not sure it’s healthy to never have some times of intense worry. Is it possible that we might even need to care poorly before we can care well. Sounds like a part of being human, to me.
However, too much worry tends to mean that we’ve lost perspective, that our thumb is on the bad side of the scale. Luckily through trial and error, I have become proficient at several strategies for thinking lovely thoughts at night. Admittedly, none of these little brain programs will blow your hair back or fill you with awe. In fact you might just roll your eyes and think, “Duh, Lindsey, that’s so obvious!” But, simple as they are, these little mental programs do work. In fact, that’s why they work, they’re sort of too dumb to fail, while also letting you feel smart.
In fact, that’s why they work, they’re sort of too dumb to fail, while also letting you feel smart.
Below is one of those strategies. Essentially it involves:
- Deciding to take responsibility for the thoughts in your head
- Gathering up thoughts you want to have before bedtime
- Turning to the list in your “back pocket” as an alternative to worrying
It’s kind of like how you might have exercise equipment in your basement for when you feel stressed out, this is putting a simple piece of equipment in your head for when you worry. It’s not easy – nothing worth doing is easy – but it’s simple.
All Feelings Are Welcome
Before we move on, I do want to acknowledge that worry is a vital part of the human emotional landscape. Worry is a part of what makes you human and capable of love. If you didn’t worry, you would be a callous sociopath (or a very nice person who wandered a lot into traffic). Because it is good to worry sometimes, our goal is not to kill our worry. That would be a terrible, dehumanizing goal. Instead, the goal is to learn the difference between two types of worry: 1) the worry that leads to understanding and compassion and/or action and, 2) worry that leads to needless suffering, anger, and alienation. And, when we notice that we are just creating needless suffering for ourselves, practice turning away from pain and towards healthy thoughts.
The goal is to learn the difference between two types of worry: 1) the worry that leads to understanding and compassion and/or action and, 2) worry that leads to needless suffering, anger, and alienation.
I suggest a five minute worrying rule for night. If needed, allow yourself five minutes to worry about your day or to have that imaginary argument with your geography teacher about the B+ that should’ve been a A-.** Sometimes give yourself more. Sometimes the dark and quiet are good places to think in. Don’t be afraid to let the good-and-useful worry happen.
Night time can be a good time to gather our thoughts together, to reflect on the day. So, be kind to your night time worry.
Rule # 1: If your worrying is helping, keep worrying. If not, stop. Pull this idea out of your back pocket of knowledge, only when worrying is not getting you anywhere. Use it when you are just digging sadness pits or running brain laps.
***
The Back Pocket of Knowledge:
Keeping what you want to think within easy reach
The Back Pocket of Knowledge
The BPK is like a shopping list for worrying less at night. Prepare it and have it within reach for next time you are wandering aimlessly in the aisles of worry. It might not lead to sleep all the time, but at least you’ll be having thoughts you want to have rather than making yourself miserable.
- Make a list. Make a list of things you know and care about. It could be of countries or breeds of dog. You could count off one-hundred Pokemon or the ninety-seven Academy Award winners for Best Actress. The content of this little “shopping list” does not matter. The list just has to be numerous enough and fun enough to keep the negative stuff at bay without being so long you find it stressful to remember.***
- Memorize your list. The whole idea is to have your list ready so you remember the things on it sequentially, rather than ruminating on negative things in circles. But remember, it’s not a test and good enough is always good enough. I frequently forget what the capital of Azerbaijan is. I’ll remember later or I’ll look it up in the morning. What matters is that your list is not too painful to remember when your eyes closed in the dark. If it’s too big of a struggle, you’ll quit and the intrusive thoughts will begin again. I assure you, 1:00 am is no time to worry about what your boss’ tone when she replied, “Fine” to your request for Wednesday morning off to take Bert to the orthodontist.
- Pull it out of your “pocket”. When you are ready to stop worrying, remember to remind yourself of your list. Then start thinking about things you like to think about. It might be difficult to avert your mind from your looming Visa balance or Xiao Bao’s rudeness to his piano teacher, but give it a try (a midnight worry-a-thon is not going to clear up your debt or your son’s manners).
Wrapping Up
I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me and others over the years. Knowledge is power, and knowing that we have things we like to think about and what they are goes a long way to worrying only when it’s useful to worry. Keep your list ready, in your “back pocket”. It’ll save you some woe, could help you sleep better at night, and might even help you like your brain – and its beautiful contents – a little more.
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Notes and Digressions:
**Speaking of geography teachers: it would be lovely if Mr. Kornberger who taught me geography at Glenlawn Collegiate reads this and is a little proud of the fact that geography is one of my favourite things.
***For a long time my primary list was the 193 Nation States recognized by the United Nations and a few others the UN doesn’t recognize. But, geography isn’t for everyone. I know a woman who lists plants, and a kid who scrolls through anime in his mind. And they agree with me: it’s hard to worry if you’re thinking about perennials or Howl’s Flying Castle.
****And lists are only one kind of thought pattern to swap in for worry. Maybe some time I’ll write about other worry replacements. When I catch myself worrying at times when worrying isn’t helping anyone, I’ll often night-daydream about swimming. Or I design golf courses in my head. It’s hard to describe the difference between liking the thoughts in my head and times when I was younger and worrying more. It’s liberating. Takes a bit of effort, and you need to remember to do it, but it usually works when you do.