Pain creates the need; Acceptance creates the way.
I wrote that seven years ago in the Fears of a First Time Coach essay. And I continue to be impressed with the improvements the sports organizations my son and I have been a part of are making. They have seen the pain bad decisions and systems cause, they have accepted responsibility, and they are creating a better way.
At the school, club, and (now) Triple A levels, I am seeing a level of constructive dialogue, compassion, and good boundaries that far exceeds the behaviour of many in politics. This is because we have systems for generating constructive and productive problem solving.
For example, where-as my son and I used to see referees and umpires being heckled by coaches and parents on a regular basis, we are now seeing a very different situation. And when there is a problem, we have much (much) better systems for dealing with it.
Or, to use much heavier examples, it is safe to say that where these systems are in place and taken seriously, there are no children being treated as Theoren Fleury or Simone Biles were.
Now, imagine if we had a policy in the House of Commmons where you were not allowed to ask demeaning, gotcha questions? Where, as we do in sport, our well-paid, elected officials made intelligent, reasoned comments and, those who wanted to throw mud were asked to improve their behaviour. As a parent or a coach can’t call a ref or another coach a “clown” because I disagree with him or her. In fact, I would be penalized. My team would be penalized. I’d like to see that in politics: If any party asks an honest question; offers a solution; or points out a genuine problem, great, the floor is all yours.
However, if a member of any party insults another member without any constructive contribution, they would be asked to leave.
What value do we get from our elected officials insulting and heckling each other? No one has ever solved a problem by trying to make themselves look perfect and everyone else look bad. That’s called “immaturity”.
No one has ever solved a problem by trying to make themselves look perfect and everyone else look bad.
And since it’s safe to say that the House of Commons is dealing with bigger issues than we are on the basketball court or baseball diamond (or swimming pool), it’s even more important that they figure out how to use their time and energy wisely.
Maturely.
What Kids’ Sport Can Teach Government
1: Respect in Sport
If you haven’t been involved in youth sports in Canada, or your involvement was more than a decade ago, you may be shocked to hear that before any child goes out onto the field or the ice (or the pool), their parent/guardian and their coaches will have done something called “Respect in Sport Training”. I just re-did it last fall when I joined my son’s basketball coaching staff.*
Here’s how they describe one of their programs.
The Respect in Sport Activity Leader/Coach Program educates youth leaders, coaches, officials and participants (14-years and up) to recognize, understand and respond to issues of bullying, abuse, harassment and discrimination (BAHD). Our Activity Leader and Parent Programs are the Safe Sport Canada solution! https://www.respectgroupinc.com/respect-in-sport/
To be honest, I am always sceptical when I sit down to do RISP; annoyed for the first half of it (I really don’t like being on the computer); and then grateful when it’s done. So if it all sounds like one more box to check one more hoop to jump through to you, trust me, I get it. However, it’s worth the time, even if only to remind us that we’re not the only ones who have these concerns. We’re not the only ones who want a better situation for our kids. Pretty much everyone does.
Plus, the solutions they provide are based on the best of best practices. They are what I would do when I am being my best self (which, as a parent of an athlete, I sometimes am not).
While it’s true that, no, coaches and parents are not going to become perfect at dealing with their emotions because they take a three hour course on line. But – and this is a big but – boy does it help. One of my favourite modules walks participants through how an assistant coach responds to a head coach who screams at his team. Not necessarily a fun way to prepare for an upcoming season, but very, very useful for building empathy and assertiveness.
You won’t get all the tools for not over reacting to a “bad” call from the ref, or learn how to perfectly talk to a parent who yells at their kid on the court, but you and everyone around you will have seen how it can be done in a kind and assertive way that puts participants first.
What training are our politicians getting before Question Period? It’s certainly not how to ask meaningful and constructive questions or how to deal respectfully in times of conflict. And why do so many stand around and cheer on the combatants, like middle-schoolers did in the ’80s when two kids were fighting on the playground?
Why are our standards lower for politicians than children playing baseball?
2. Strong Boundaries and Compassionate Responses
These days, when a person disrespects another person at baseball or basketball practice, the behaviour is often noted and handled appropriately at an appropriate time and in an appropriate setting. (Is that too many “appropriates” for one sentence?) Surprisingly often, there is a mature response that minimizes future disrespect and encourages problem solving. And this isn’t just umpires kicking coaches out of games.** This is players telling each other that it is not acceptable to criticize a teammate for the clothing they are wearing or for making an honest mistake.
As a child of the ’80s I am still somewhat stunned by the fact that when a child picks on another child, the other children don’t just join in (or pretend nothing’s happening). AND even if they do, the picked on kid knows they can just go tell a coach or tell a parent and the coach or parent will sort it out.
Can you imagine watching Question Period and seeing members of Parliament seeking to understand things and make better policies? No name calling or table thumping. Just honest questions seeking honest answers? We saw some of that recently with the trade war when most of Canada’s leaders worked in-synch for a bit. It made us as a nation much, much stronger and helped us deal as effectively as we could with the problem we faced.
Honest, thoughtful debate and problem solving can only increase our security and well being. However, heckling can only give us distrustful and weak.
Quick note on Good and Bad Stress
It’s worth acknowledging that problems still exist in kids sports. And as a professional I still meet with stressed out athletes or talk with parents or coaches who have a hard time managing their emotions around sport. That is very productive work and leads to better outcomes not just in sports but in the rest of life, too.
Some of the stress people experience is natural and will always be the case. After all, if you care about something and invest yourself in it, you are likely going to feel both positive and negative forms of stress. (Good stress, the stress that comes from positive challenges and that helps build resilience, is called eustress.)
However, bad stress and feelings of worry are signs that care is required. If you or your child is struggling with toxic stress, please reach out for help.
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*Yes, I also loved coaching basketball. This was probably, if not the best organized organization I’ve ever been a part of, among the healthiest. I’ve never seen fewer instances of parents or coaches harassing officials or players or players being hard on each other. This is because from the convener down to the player, we not only talk-the-talk, but walk-the-walk, respect wise.
**Which, admittedly, happened way too much last year in my son’s baseball league, but at least umpires now know they don’t have to take criticism the way they might have tolerated in the past. The fact that they are empowered to throw out coaches and parents who behave inappropriately is a good sign. A very good sign.