I’ll prove you wrong by calling you dumb and ignoring what you actually said!
“You can’t trust Stacey’s opinion on recycling, she drives a gas guzzler.” – Stacey’s friend Nishiben.
Ad Hominem literally means “attacking the person” and it’s an illogical – and nasty – way of trying to win an argument. Rather than addressing the recycling issue Stacy has brought up in the quote above, Nishiben (1) has criticized Stacey’s character, saying “you can’t trust” her based on the car she drives – a reason that has nothing to do with recycling.
Had Nishiben responded to Stacey’s thoughts on recycling by saying, “Guys, I’m not sure we can trust Stacey’s opinion on recycling because yesterday she said ‘recycling is a scam’ to Mo and today she is saying, ‘recycling is legitimate’ when he isn’t here.” That would be a reasonable argument. (So long as Stacey had actually said those contradictory things to Mo.)
On the other hand, the car Stacey drives does not have any bearing on her understanding or opinions on recycling. One can have a valid opinion on recycling and still drive a gas guzzler. Just as one can choose not to recycle and ride a unicycle to work every day.
So what do we do when someone responds to us with a criticism rather than an honest engagement with what we’ve said? Here are three options. Moving from Twitter type interactions, to stereotypical British couple, to a response that is both assertive and kind.
- We insult the person back!
- We stop talking all together.
- Address the matter at hand and the negative, distracting response.
I suppose we might choose any one of those answers, depending on the situation. Number 3 is generally the best way to go. Let’s look at the potential value and downside of each.
On simply insulting the insulter back: not my style, but I can see it. For instance, if one brother says to his sibling, “What do you know about baseball, stinky brain, you don’t even play?” the second brother can very well snap back, “A lot more than you, toilet breath.” And then they can put each other in headlocks and wrestle until mom tells you to knock it off.
If that works for you, go nuts.
As for the second response, shutting down: if the insult is serious enough, you can very well choose to stop the conversation, especially if the person you are talking to has no real impact on your life. During Covid plenty of strangers said plenty of nasty things to one another, especially if they were presumed to be of Asian heritage, in many of those cases the best thing to do was to leave the situation. This is good advice for dealing with a lot of ad hominem attacks on line.
Having said that, there is still lots of time to try out the third option. Making a genuine attempt at addressing the issue can be vital if the person matters to you or if you have to interact with them repeatedly. I won’t necessarily have the ideal wording here but I’ll try to convey the sort of thing many people find useful. Good-enough communication doesn’t require perfection just an honest attempt to remove the bugs (or knives) from the conversation.
One response to Nishiben’s comment could be:
Stacey: “Nishiben, can we talk to each other kindly? If you don’t like the car I drive, that might be something to talk about later on. Just now, I was talking about recycling. If you don’t agree with what I’d said, I’m perfectly happy to hear your reasons for that. However, changing the subject and turning to criticism isn’t going to help either of us understand what’s going on.”
What do you think of that? A lot better than spitting out an insult or Stacey just shutting down. I know a lot of people simply go to ChatGPT these days to figure out how to say things well. That makes me sad. These are skills that we can learn by actually talking to people.
It takes some practice to not simply shut down or get defensive, or to know when to do what. The good news is that like every other skill, being clear in the face of ad hominem attacks comes a lot easier. And, just like you don’t start pilot school at 30,000 feet at the helm of a jumbo jet, you don’t need to start being assertive and kind in the face of ad hominem attacks in high tension situations, but with people who have a genuine interest in good communication, too. If you happen to have children in your life, that can be a great place to start. And it helps teach them good communication habits, too.
Here’s another example. Again, I’m not that worried about getting my words “right” or sounding cool – speaking with clarity of purpose often leads to a certain earnest-clunkiness. I, for one, find it endearing when people just speak clearly. Leaving perfection aside, the example below sets to demonstrate
a) an adult taking responsibility for their words and actions
b) addressing the issue at hand.
c) demonstrating mature and assertive kindness in the face of a the sort of ad hominem attack one might hear at the dinner table.
Here goes:
Nefew: Aunt Harmeet, how can you tell me to put my phone away during dinner. You get distracted all the time and get up from the table which is just as bad.
Harmeet: Thank’s for pointing that out. You are right, I will try to sit and enjoy the meal. However, that does not mean that you should be on your phone. Please put it away so we can enjoy the meal and time together. And, please don’t criticize me when I ask you to do something, it makes it harder for us to understand one another.
In the example, Aunt Harmeet’s response addresses the meaning in what her nephew was saying while also setting a positive tone and giving clear guidance. It also prioritizes understanding one another and entirely avoids any type of “I am right, you are wrong” or “tit-for-tat” set up. I for one have always appreciated heads-up people like our imaginary Stacey and Harmeet, here. And I fear the impact of ad hominem attacks on human relationships and understanding. So as hard as it can be to respond well sometimes, I make it a point to try. Honestly, being clear, kind and purposeful even in the face of hostility feels a lot better than snapping back or getting stuck in my own silo.
I hope you feel that way, too!
Yours,
Lindsey
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(1) Nishiben is a made-up name, a combination of the Mandarin words for “You” , “to be”, and “Stupid”. Watch out for all the ‘Youarestupid’s in your life (or in your head)!