Picture a loving person putting a tired infant in a cradle. Or even being the “cradle” oneself and holding that baby in your arms. Imagine both how safe and rested the baby feels AND how restfully alive you feel, beholding and nurturing this little being. Those big, glorious eyes. That shimmering puddle of drool. Nothing feels as good as holding a baby when we know we don’t always need to hold the baby!
That’s the Cradle of Compassion.
You’ve likely never thought of Compassion as a tool before. Nor a cradle. I don’t really think of them as “tools” either. However, it’s proven to be a useful framing in sessions with clients (and in my own head). After all, it’s a lot easier to practice Compassion if we can see it clearly, touch it, imagine using it. Compassion, like a cradle is an every day item, always available to provide ourselves and others comfort.
The Cradle of Compassion Manual and User Guide
What is the Cradle of Compassion?
The Cradle of Compassion is an everyday item, always available to provide ourselves and others with comfort.
Where do I find my Compassion?
Your Compassion is like your eyeglasses. The first place to look for your compassion is right ahead. Generally, it is no further away than the tip of your nose. However, if your Compassion is not immediately in front of you, follow the steps below.
Step 1.
Notice the feeling you are feeling. If it is Compassion, great. Well done! If the feeling you are feeling is not Compassion, keep reading.
Step 2.
If the feeling you are feeling is Sadness, say “The feeling I am feeling is Sadness.” If the feeling you are feeling is Anger, say, “The feeling I am feeling is Anger.”Acknowledging your feelings without judgement is an act of Compassion in itself. You’ll need to do more than this, but it’s an excellent start.If you are telling yourself, “You are feeling Sad because you are a stupid idiot that no one likes” something Regina George-ish is in your head, and is doing an impersonation of you. This is Navel Gazing and Navel Gazing is a variety of Anti-Compassion.There is no Compassion in your belly button, only lint.If your inner dialogue is cruel, move immediately to Step 3.
The Compassionate thing to do here would be to say, “I am feeling Sad and unliked. I have valid reasons for feeling Sad and unliked.” Any version of that, with or without crying, is perfectly acceptable. “I am feeling Sad because I am a stupid idiot…” on the other hand is cruel and untrue.
Remember: it’s not ok for anyone to abuse or make up lies about you. And no matter how bad you are feeling, it is not ok to abuse or make up lies about other people. Not a bully at work or school or in your family, and certainly not yourself. If your inner dialogue, or your outer dialogue revolves around insulting yourself or others, please practice step 3.
Step 3.
Now that you have looked up, away from your navel; now that you are acknowledging your feelings without embellishing and lying about them, you have a few options.
a) Keep acknowledging your feelings in a mindful way. I do this for up to about 5 minutes, and then I let the traffic light change. However, take as long as you need. The truth may or may not set you free, but it will let you know where you are. Saying “I’m Sad because my father didn’t greet me when he came home” is honest, and helps you situate yourself in reality.
Saying “I hate my stupid father because he can’t be bothered to even say hi to me, and he’s a self-centred jerk” may be true (I’ve likely never met your father) but it also keeps you from witnessing the emotion you are feeling. (The emotion here is Sadness.) It’s ok to say, “I’m sad and I feel ignored when my father doesn’t say hi.”
b) Solve the problem. If you are Hangry, eat a sandwich. If you’re feeling bad because you insulted someone, apologize. If you’re full of despair following a session of doom tweeting, delete X (and apologize for the thing you said about so and so on X).
The strongest thing a person can do is to take responsibility for their own thoughts, words, and actions. We cannot change what the world does or what anyone thinks. But we can own and take responsibility for the thoughts in our heads, the words we say, and the actions we take.
If the problem persists, ask someone suitable for help. If you don’t feel like you have someone, that is about the worst thing to feel. That sucks. The good news is there are thousands of people who do my job for a living and many of us are rather good at it.
Note: It is mature and healthy to feel first, think second, then do third. If you get the order wrong – feel, do, then think or think, think, (repress feeling) then do – you will break stuff. Please don’t break stuff. Feeling, thinking, then doing takes a lot of training. Even more than calculus, electrical engineering, or playing from the back in soccer. But, if you do enough of it, you get really good at it.
c) Focus on something you cherish. Just because the baby is in the cradle, doesn’t mean it can’t appreciate a hanging mobile or stuffed animal. If I’m bummed out or angry or feeling disconnected from my family, friends, or myself, I’ll give myself a second or a few minutes to just be that, and then:
If it’s the day time, I’ll look up to someone else. Really shine my light on them. What’s going on? What’s neat about them? What might they need? Etc. Obviously, this is what my day job consists of. Toggling between my stuff and my client’s stuff (AKA Empathy). It’s also the joy of parenting or being a husband: It’s not about me! It’s not about me! It’s about us! It’s about us! And, boy do I love us.
If it’s the night time, and the lights are off, I do geography in my head. Or I night-daydream about the time I swam against the waterfall. Or I think up good names for improv characters. Or I remember my grandparents or think on my nephew and nieces.
What did I used to do before I started acknowledging feelings and practicing Compassion? I’d lie awake, worrying about things or arguing with people in my head.
I like the Compassionate route a lot better. Even if I’m not sleeping, I’m still taking care of myself.